Spiritual Warrior
by kamelion
Summary: Daniel needs a little guidance. Spoilers: anything to do with ascension storyline. Friendship fic with Daniel and Teal'c. Set in season seven.
1. Chapter 1

Daniel walked. Rather, he shuffled about aimlessly, his hands shoved into the deep pockets of his denim jacket, his head bent downwards so he could watch the pools of dead leaves gather at his feet. The sky was as clear a blue as was possible to obtain, the few clouds that could be seen stood in sharp, white, puffy contrast. The chill in the air was just enough to carry the smell of the season, but not enough to make him uncomfortable. He hesitated as a particularly strong gust lifted the leaves before him in a small whirlwind, and within it he looked for the face of a child, and a disturbing thought entered his head. _I'm going mad. I must be going mad_.

The leaves settled once again, and the wind cycled on through the trees. A more gentle breeze tagged along, giving Daniel's hair a playful ruffle. He stood still, listening to the whisper of nature as one season slowly drifted into another. And in his mind, a voice spoke.

_You can feel the change as the wheel slows. You can feel the heaviness as the world you know falls asleep, and the life force changes._

"No." Daniel shook his headand winced, looking back at his feet

_You can not deny the change._

"No." This time the voice carried resignation rather than rejection.

_Then why do you fight it?_

He pressed his hands to the sides of his head. _Mad_, he thought, _going insane_. The question lingered in his mind as he rubbed his temples and started to walk again, not caring where he his steps led him. The park was pleasantly crowded, just enough to not feel alone while not having the privacy of your thoughts compromised. He resumed shuffling, hands back in pockets, his shoes dampened by the mulch buried beneath newly fallen leaves. The lake sat in a hollow towards the east side of the park and he stopped, watching the ripples flow from one side to the other. There were a few ducks happily bobbing at floating white bits in the water, much to the pleasure of a man sitting alone on a bench. His grey running suit was familiar, as was his black knit cap and the muscular build of his body. Daniel's face relaxed and he jogged down the slope to see his friend.

"Teal'c?"

The Jaffa looked up, his eyes shining pleasantly"DanielJackson. I did not expect to see you here." He shifted his position on the bench. "But I welcome your company."

Daniel sat, marveling at the way the man could make him feel so comfortable with few words. "I could say the same for you. Feeding the ducks?"

"I am. They seem to be most taken with the variety of bread served at the commissary."

"I suppose you found a good use for it then," Daniel remarked wryly.

"I have."

Daniel flashed a smile and settled back to watch, one arm slung over the back of the bench. He often found the large man's presence to be very calming, probably because Teal'c was very careful to present only a calm demeanor about himself. He had seen his friend's feathers ruffled a few times, not a pretty sight. It was rare to see the Jaffa truly angry, and for that he counted his blessings. At the moment all was well, and Daniel found his tangled thoughts smooth into a linear stream of coherency. Maybe he was crazy, but at least he knew it. It didn't help his problem, but the thought made him better able to cope, or better yet, to shove it aside completely. He could feel Teal'c's intense gaze on him, and had to allow a quick, darting glance

The Jaffa could read men, and DanielJackson was an easy subject. His casual pose was unsuccessful in concealing the stiffness in his shoulders, and his face was carefully schooled but Teal'c could just see where the man's tongue was worrying his inner cheek. It was the classic something's-up-but-I'm-not-telling look, as O'Neill called it. It was the look that plainly saidhis friend had something troubling on his mind. He remembered Daniel's offer to talk during the ordeal with Shau'nac, and had been appreciative then, but unfortunately the following events left little time for chat. Then Daniel Jackson left them. Became of the Ascended, touched the Ancients. And Teal'c had felt an emptiness unlike anything he had ever experienced. He suddenly missed the sincerity, the offers of friendship, the simple understanding. He hadn't realized how much he had taken for granted.

Now his friend had returned, under circumstances that still were unknown to him. Not only that, he helped to free Ry'ac and Bra'tac from the mines, thus putting Teal'c in his debt. Of course there was another time when his friend had come to him, in his ascended form, when Teal'c was deathly ill. He had guided him through a rough time. He had saved him. Teal'c felt he owed this man more than he could possibly repay, and the constant fretful expression Daniel now wore ripped at his heart. He was a man who felt deeply, as did Teal'c, yet he was not good at hiding it.

He saw his friend's quick glance in his direction, and saw the gaze return to the water. Teal'c seized the opportunity. "We have been through much, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel blinked, startled by the remark. "Yes, yes we have."

"You know I think of you as my brother."

Daniel looked down, knowing such a strong sentiment was a firm commitment from a Jaffa. "I. . .feel the same, Teal'c." He managed to meet the comment with a tiny half-smile, a hint of confusion in his eyes.

"You have helped me many times."

"Yeah, Teal'c," he scratched behind his ear self-consciously, "what are you getting at?"

"I simply wish to know why you will not tell me what had been troubling you these past weeks."

"Oh. . . OH." Daniel turned to him. "Teal'c, it has nothing to do with not trusting you." He winced, realizing that in his statement he had just admitted to having a problem.

"Then why will you not come forth?"

"It's. . .it's not that easy, Teal'c , look, I'm fine, really. Just have things. . ." he tried hard not to say 'in my head', "on my mind. Work stuff. Cataloging. There is this whole box of artefacts from P3x-599 that I haven't seen yet, it's floating around the base somewhere. . ."

"DanielJackson."

Daniel snapped back. "Yes?"

"I just want you to know," Teal'c paused and searched for the words, "if you ever need to. . .talk. . ."

Daniel swallowed as his words, spoken many times, were hurled softly back at him. His train of thought not only derailed, it plummeted. He licked his lips and responded nonchalantly, "Thanks. I'll let you know."

Teal'c eyed his friend for a moment. "General Hammond has informed me of your desire to return to Kehb, where the Harsesis was found. What do you wish to obtain there?"

Daniel frowned. "Since when does the General find it prudent to discuss my private conversations?"

"He merely wanted to ascertain the risk pending your return. The Goa'uld. . ."

"The Goa'uld are afraid of Kehb."

"Yet they found us there."

"Because of the child."

"And what is to keep them from searching again? They do not know what events have transpired since."

Daniel pressed his lips together in a tight line. "So what did you say?"

"I stated that there was indeed a risk, although it was a minor one, and if you were to return I would be happy to accompany you. Which brings us back to the question of your desire to go."

"Those writings. I want to study them."

"Did Oma Desala not teach you everything you need to know?"

"If she did, I don't think I listened very well."

"I would find that difficult to believe." Teal'c glanced down at his bag. The bread was gone. The ducks hovered at the water's edge, voicing their discontent before flapping across the lake in frustration.

"What, that I don't listen? That I can be too full of myself to pay attention?" Daniel gave a self-depreciating grin.

"I do not believe that statement worthy of you, DanielJackson."

"Oh, take off your rose-colored glasses, Teal'c. Maybe I'm not who you think I am."

Teal'c noticed the sudden change in his friend's demeanor. "Your behavior concerns me. Perhaps we should walk. . ."

"No, Teal'c. I'm fine. Really. I-I'm sorry." Daniel sighed and stood. "I've just got a lot on my mind, and a lot of work to do. I came here to take a break, but I really should get back." His hands hid in his pockets once again. "I'll see you later, okay?"

"As you say." Teal'c gave a slight nod and watched Daniel walk away, his back hunched against the thoughts that plagued him. The dark face turned back to the water.

The ringer on the phone was too damn loud, but Jack was too lazy to adjust it. At the moment it was just as well because he was in the process of steadily banging pots and pans around while in search of a skillet. He snatched the receiver to his ear right as a pan clattered to the floor. "Dammit! HELLO?"

"O'Neill."

"Teal'c?" Jack nearly dropped the boiler he was holding. "That you?"

"It is."

"Wow." Jack leaned against the counter. "This is a first."

"I have held conversations in this manner before, O'Neill."

"Yeah, but you've never called me out of the blue before. So what's up?"

"I am concerned about DanielJackson."

Jack's grip tightened involuntarily. "Why, what happened to him?"

"He is in good health. There is no emergency."

"Oh." Jack grip relaxed but his puzzlement grew. "So. . .what's up?"

"He seems troubled."

"This is Daniel we're talking about. Of course he's troubled."

"I believe it is something more."

"Like. . ."

"I am uncertain. I wish to help, but I am unsure as to how I should proceed."

There was another loud bang followed by a muffled curse. "Sorry. Why don't we go over to his place. Better yet, you go. I'll drive you."

"Would that be wise? He expressed the desire to be left alone."

"Which in Daniel-ese means bring the beer."

There was a hesitation. "I am not familiar with. . ."

"Dammit Teal'c, stop that. I'll pick you up in an hour. That way it's not too late, but you don't have to stay long."

"I would like that, O'Neill. Thank you."

"Hey, don't thank me. I gotta get out and buy a new skillet anyway."


	2. Chapter 2

The book lay in his lap, forgotten. Daniel's eyes were cast upon the far wall where his artefacts from Abydos sat, carefully guarded by the stone likeness of Bast. It wasn't much, in fact considering he had spent so much time there one would think his collection would be massive. Instead the lit shelf held a ceramic bowl just large enough to fit between his palms, the rock he and his wife had used to ground meal, some small spattterings of worn material, and a tiny vial of sand. Sha're had laughed when he collected the sand, seeing as how they were surrounded by it. That was shortly after Ra had been defeated and Jack had returned through the gate. He had stood high upon a dune, looking at the double moons and marveled at the fact that he was in fact on an alien planet on the other side of the known universe. He had fingered the vial and scooped sand into it, just in case, just in case something happened and none of it turned out to be real. And Sha're had laughed.

Now all he had was the sand.

The sudden pound at the door shook the wall. Daniel leapt forwards, steadying the shelf , then tried to steady his heart. He hurried to the door before more pounding could upset his treasures, half wondering if Mrs. Newburn had taken a fall down the stairs again. His neighbor was a constant cause of worry, he really felt she should be living on the ground floor. . .he flung the door open and gaped as he found himself face to face with a towering mass of dark holding a box. "Teal'c!"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Are you well, DanielJackson?"

"Yes! Yes, you just startled me. . .what are you doing here?" He continued to gape. Teal'c never visited him at home. He and Jack would stop by to pick him up, but a social visit? "Wait, is something wrong?"

Teal'c looked disturbed. "I find it disheartening that people seem to think I contact them only to bring bad news."

"Oh. I'm-I'm sorry, no, I just. . .what's in the box?"

"Might I enter?"

"Oh! Right, sorry." Daniel stepped aside. Teal'c entered slowly, deliberately, then raised his eyes to examine the room.

"I see you have made an attempt to redecorate."

Daniel smiled briefly. "Rearranged, actually. I seem to accumulate more things than I have room for. Sam helped me, she has a knack for organization."

"So I see."

"Yeah." Daniel closed the door and fingered his ear nervously. "Um, want something to drink? I was about to make some hot tea." Blatant lie, since he had been daydreaming away when Teal'c pounded on the door. But he suddenly felt the need to do something.

Teal'c gave a slow nod, and Daniel walked to the kitchen area. The Jaffa continued to look around him, taking in the paintings, rubbings, statuettes, pottery, and old weaponry, all of the antiquities and interests that made Daniel's apartment uniquely his own. He set the box down on a table and walked over to a large painting of a red planet, with a prominent blue dot in it's distance. The picture was intricate yet simple, and Teal'c was still staring at it when the kettle whistled.

"Mars," Daniel said as he appeared from around the corner. He handed Teal'c a small mug and sipped from his own. "That's Earth in the distance. It's a rather fantastical idea of what we may look like to 'them'." He grinned. "An old friend gave that to me. He didn't approve of my theories either."

"Then it was a gift given in jest?"

"Sorta. He was like that."

Teal'c caught the past reference. "You no longer speak with him?"

"No," Daniel stared into his cup, then met Teal'c's eyes, "he, uh, he died of cancer shortly before I joined the first mission to Abydos."

"I am sorry," Teal's said softly.

Daniel gave a grateful nod then headed towards the twin sofas. "I didn't mean to blow you off at the park this afternoon."

"Did you succeed in decreasing your workload?"

He considered an outright lie. "Uh, no. No, I really just wanted to come back home." He winced slightly.

Teal'c looked at his mug thoughtfully before setting it down beside his box. "I have brought something for you, DanielJackson." He leaned over and pulled the box to him, carefully raising the thick lid.

Daniel leaned in. "Candles?" He peered at Teal'c over the rim of his glasses.

"I thought a session of Kel-nor-reem may help to ease your mind. It has worked before."

Daniel sat back. "I'm. . .flattered, Teal'c. Really. These. . .are these your candles?"

"I purchased them on the way."

Daniel's eyebrows raised as Teal'c continued to unload the box. "Uh. . .how many?"

"One hundred and two."

"One hundred and. . ." Daniel blinked and looked at his cramped shelves. "Oh boy."

"Do we require more?"

"No! No, one hundred and. . .two. . .is fine. Just. . . fine." He stood and looked around. "Ah, why can't we just have one?"

"The lighting process is essential for deep Kel-nor-reem. It steadies the mind and the breath."

"Right. I always missed that part in our sessions." He looked thoughtful for a moment then started removing piles of books from the end tables. The sofa across from Teal'c was shoved against the wall, and the end tables brought closer in. Teal'c continued to methodically unload his box, and after a slight hesitation Daniel set about distributing the candles. Fifteen minutes later all was set to Teal'c's satisfaction. He produced a box of matches and a large lighting stick. "Incense?" Daniel asked.

"Tel'lac. It is not like the material you are accustomed to but it has it's similarities. It can be used to help the sick reach a deeper healing state."

"So. . .you think I'm sick."

"I did not say so." Teal'c lit the end of the tel'lac, which flared a greenish-gold before dulling into a deep crimson. He handed it to Daniel and turned him towards the first set of candles. "First you must clear your mind. Close your eyes."

Daniel started to turn. "But the stick. . ."

"The stick will burn."

_That's what I'm afraid of_, Daniel thought to himself as he unwillingly closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and concentrated on the warmth of Teal'c's presence. He had meditated with Teal'c several times before, in fact it had become almost a regular routine for them since the events on Arabis. It seemed to strengthen the odd bond that they shared. However, Daniel had a feeling that tonight would be different. He sensed Teal'c ease away, and noticed the slight dimming against his eyelids as lamps were turned off. This left him wondering just how he would be able to see in order to light the candles. Again he felt Teal'c presence behind him, and felt hands on his shoulders as the rich, familiar voice filled the air. "Open your eyes."

Daniel did so, slowly. The throbbing flame that tipped the tal'nac grabbed his attention immediately and he found himself unable to look away. Gently Teal'c guided Daniel's hand toward the first candle. "You must take a deep breath," he said, his voice as soft as his touch. "Take the breath, and hold it as the candle lights." Daniel complied, and the candle flickered. Quickly his hand was guided to the next one. "Now release your breath. You have taken it, borrowed the life force, now you must return it. Exhale. Feel all of the air leave your body." The candle caught flame, and again his hand was shifted.

"Inhale. . ."

"Exhale. . ."

"Inhale. . ."

By his fourteenth candle Daniel was light-headed. By his twenty-fifth he had calmed somewhat, and by thirty-seven he was in a rhythm; in. . .out. . .deep, full breaths and thorough exhalations. Once the last candle was lit he stood still, the rhythm maddeningly broken. Again Teal'c guided him, this time to a cushion on the floor. "You know how to proceed from here. Open your mind." Daniel sat, crossed his legs, closed his eyes. Teal'c did the same, sitting across from him, watching him.

Stilling his body was one thing. Trying to still his mind amongst the current of thoughts was something else entirely. For once he had no focus, no ability to control his mind, or the images within. The frustration he felt reminded him of his experience with the monk on Kehb, when he was told to light a candle with his mind. He had come to understand then that the power he had foolishly thought was his own was indeed someone else's. It had been a rather embarrassing lesson. He pushed past the thought, tried again to concentrate.

"You must relax, DanielJackson."

Daniel opened his eyes and saw Teal'c's own glittering over the flames. "Have you been watching me?"

"You are not yet relaxed."

"Watching me isn't going to help that."

"We will try again.

Daniel shifted. "Look, Teal'c I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but. . ."

Teal'c's response was firm. "We will try again." He left no room for debate.

Daniel sighed and wriggled, then settled himself for another attempt. The flames danced across the backs of his eyelids, the heating room flushing his cheeks. He was suddenly aware of his heartbeat and measured his breathing to match the steady pulse. The breaths became more shallow, longer, and his head cleared. And the voice came.

Who are you?

_I am a blade of grass in the wind. I am the pulse of the ground beneath your feet._

Oma?

_A name is merely a distinction, a familiarity. You are beyond that._

Shifu? Daniel tried to reach out but felt his consciousness pull back with a snap. He opened his eyes in frustration. Teal'c was sitting straight and tall, chin lifted, breathing deep and heavy. Once more his glittered gaze met Daniel's.

"Again," he said softly. Daniel's eyes closed, and his hot breath cooled and turned shallow, yet filled his lungs with each inhale and emptied completely as he exhaled. The stiffness ebbed, and there was a faint metallic hint in the back of his throat that would have startled him had he not been so relaxed. He allowed the breath to enter through his nose and felt the coolness as it entered, the warmth as it left. His mind was his own, yet not his at all, merely a fragment of the great expanse that he frequently wondered about. He was only vaguely aware of his body. The muscled twitched then fell heavy. His mind, his own mind, his own thoughts, fears, emotions, lusts, grievances, joys, all lay there before him in candid shots like frozen templates in time. All his. Dark brows drew tight over pinched eyes, some of the images before him he didn't want to see, but they were there, plastered stubbornly against the backs of his eyelids. They didn't feel right, these images. They twisted and turned before him, flattened prisms of life events that took mere moments to enact, yet the impact was eternal. Some were colored beams of light, others were shadows, still others were photos of memories. His eyes fell upon one of a candle, and the flame flickered and grew, filling his vision with a white-hot light that he raised his hands against. Suddenly he found himself standing in a white room.

Daniel caught his breath and looked around him, spinning in place, taking in. . .nothing. There was nothing, nothing to see, just stark blankness. He ran over to the walls, running long fingers over each surface, searching for a crack, a fissure, anything. There were no windows, nothing but white hardness that boxed him in with little air to spare. He continued to run his fingers along the walls, then the flat of his hand, then with sudden anger he fisted the barrier. No doors, no way out. He was trapped inside a huge cement cell, and he would suffocate.


	3. Chapter 3

Breathe, DanielJackson

"Teal'c?" Daniel's head jerked around as he looked for the source of the sound.

Breathe. . . The voice trailed off as Daniel sank to the floor, trying to control his panic. Teal'c wouldn't let anything happen to him. This had to be part of the process. He forced in one breath after another, forced it back out, in, out, in, out, until he could think clearly. And that was when he saw the child.

He was robed, of course, for some reason Daniel didn't expect differently. He held the calm serenity that he craved. That look of knowing something that others didn't. "Hello." Daniel rose slowly.

"You still deny the change."

Daniel frowned. "Sorry?"

"You deny the change."

"What - what change?"

"The change within you. The change within all. You deny it."

"I-I don't understand."

"Things are not as they were." The young voice floated around Daniel as the child started to walk, his hands tucked into his robes. "Things never stay constant, and yet you expect them to."

"No, see, you're wrong. I've been through. . .look. . .how do you know what I've been through? I died! That's not change enough? I came back! I've been here a year, and still feel like I just left home! That's not enough?"

"Your anger prevents you from seeing."

Daniel laughed. "Seeing? Seeing what? Seeing that I could do no good here, and could do even less while ascended? That I was kicked out of one world only to be kicked out of another?"

"The ascension was your choice. A gift that was merely offered."

"Yeah, well, if that was a gift I'd gladly give it back. I mean, what was the point?"

"You tell me." The small head tilted acquisitively.

"The point was, there are these higher beings that don't do a damn thing! Gods, for what it's worth, that are useless! Powers that can be used for so much, you know, its probably just as well that I don't remember much from being up there, or wherever. I may actually get pissed about the whole thing."

"You blame yourself."

"I blame everyone! I blame everything! I come back and nothing has changed, nothing is better! I ascended, and nothing was any better! I still fought battles only I believed in, I still got. . .caught." Daniel sighed. "It was no different, and if being a 'higher being' is no different from being a 'lower one', then what do we strive for? What's the point?"

"You were not ready. It is a matter of degree."

Daniel sat cross-legged in the center of the room. "Fine. Explain."

"You were selected because you took the studies of Oma, yet you had not put them into practice. You carry too much guilt, and you were looking to rid yourself of the guilt by extraordinary means.It is not possible."

"So. . .you're saying I was looking for a scapegoat?" Daniel regarded the child. "I was looking for this ascension to relieve my past. All it did was bring it into sharper focus, showed my weaknesses."

"On the contrary. It showed your strengths. Strengths that you are not yet ready to acknowledge, that you bury within your pain because you feel you don't deserve them."

Daniel sighed. "I'm so tired of everyone telling me what I do or do not deserve. I decide that, no one else."

"And what do you deserve?"

"Better! For once and for all I deserve better! I deserve peace of mind, I deserve the chance to be with my friends without worry. I deserve the chance to be. . .myself. . .and not just a book." Daniel stood. "I like water-skiing. You know? No one at the SGC knows that. I love the water. Guess it's because I grew up in the desert, worked in the desert, hell, Abydos. . .I love the water. I feel at home in the heat and the sands. But water. . .I ski and no one knows. And those that found out wouldn't believe it. It would be strange, it wouldn't 'fit' into their notion of who I am."

"Why worry about their shortcomings?"

Daniel opened his mouth, and was caught by the phrasing of the sentence. "I don't know. I was just saying, you know."

"You keep the blame, the fear, within yourself. Yet you look outside yourself for an answer. If you stand in a dark room, what do you expect to see?" And the room went dark.

It was a haunting darkness that swallowed him whole. Thick black air closed his throat and stifled his senses. "What the. . .hello?" The words were lost the minute they left his mouth, gulped by the void before him. The world was gone; sight, sound, smell, he wasn't even certain of the floor beneath his feet. He forced himself to bend slowly down, reaching out, and felt the hard surface. He sat carefully, a small hint of relief feeding into a frightened soul. Placed his palms flat. Felt the sturdiness of. . .whatever material the floor was composed of. He ran his hands over it, touch being the only sense he possessed, the only thing assuring him that he was still there. His eyes ached to see. "Hello? Okay, I get it, this is a little analogy play." There was no echo, no evidence the words left his mouth. "So what, I just sit here for a while? I can do that." He realized he kept turning his head, looking for something to focus on, looking for something he could actually see. The darkness blanketed him completely. His breath was the only sound, and even it was sucked away.

Teal'c watched as Daniel winced, then raised his chin defiantly. "Breathe," he whispered.

>

His ears hurt. His ears actually hurt, unaccustomed to such silence. He was certain his eyeballs were protruding from their sockets. He ran his fingers over his face, wanted to believe everything was in its place and as it should be. Already it seemed an eternity had passed. He jerked his head around, desperate to find something, dammit anything, to look at. He stood, swayed with no point of reference to fix upon, and felt his back to the wall.

Were the walls closing in?

Surely not. The child, whoever he was, wouldn't allow that. Would he? He'd been burnt before, literally. He ran his fingers over the wall, wondering for a moment if maybe they held words, held a clue as to, well, anything. The words on Kehb maybe. No luck. The surface was polished smooth, but at least it was there. He followed it, step after tiny step, waiting to be led somewhere, anywhere, to find a corner. But there was no corner, nothing to curl up into or hide in. In fact, the wall suddenly stopped.

Daniel froze. Wondered if he stood on the edge of a deep abyss. Wondered if he was supposed to prove himself and step forwards. There was no gut reaction leading him to the edge, but at this point he wasn't sure a gut reaction was something he could trust. He had questioned that a lot before his ascension, and now that he was back. . .if he was really back. Had everything of the past year been a dream? "Oma? Are you here?" Nothing.

He didn't really expect anything.

He teetered, one hand braced on the wall. And a voice came to him, deep within. Breathe

Teal'c? "Teal'c! Teal'c, are you here?" Daniel dared a step back, pressed against the wall. "Teal'c! I-I can't see. I can't see!" Oh. . .God. . .wait. Maybe the light hadn't been removed from the room. Maybe it had been removed from him.

Maybe he was blind.

"Oh, oh no. Oh God. . ."

With one hand braced against the wall and the other in front he walked back along the barrier towards what he hoped was the center of the room, where he had been. He ventured away from the wall and stood. No sight. How could he work if he couldn't see? Artefacts didn't come in Braille. His friends, Sam's wonderful smile and caring face, Jack's twitch of concern or look of sheer boredom, Hammond's piercing gaze, and Teal'c's steady one. He knew his friends would help, but that didn't quell the selfish panic. "I'm not blind. You hear me? I AM NOT BLIND!" He waited for the room to suddenly light, to prove that he had passed whatever test, to prove to the child that he had licked this demon, but it didn't happen. He sank to the floor, defeated.

Breathe, DanielJackson

Teal'c again. "Dammit, Teal'c, if you're there, come on! Get me out of here!" He raised unseeing eyes to the heavens. "Please. Someone, anyone. . .please. . ."

The darkness persisted, drinking him in. Daniel sat motionless, legs crossed, eyes closed. If there was nothing to do then he was just going to sit. Walking didn't help. Yelling didn't help. Sitting still, well, oddly enough it helped. If nothing else he would conserve oxygen in that little black box he was encased within. He sat. His breath entered his body through the nostrils, filled his lungs, exited with a rush of warmth. He focused on his breath and calmed his fears. At the moment his breath was the only thing he possessed. And after a long while his tension eased. Maybe he was sleepy. Maybe he really had run out of air, or accepted his fate. Either way, he was settled. His mind switched off. He felt the floor beneath him, solid and cool. He heard his breath flow, felt the slight raspiness in his chest and throat. Felt the pulse in his fingertips. Felt his heat beat. His breath matched the rhythm, steady and calm. And suddenly the fear vanished. Suddenly he felt at ease, and stretched his senses to listen, to wonder just what was going on around him. And slowly the room started to lighten, sounds slowly crept in around the edges of his awareness, and he realized he didn't want to leave the peacefulness of the dark. He didn't want the intrusion. He tried to sink back in, to hide within the very place he had longed to escape. It was easier to just sit in the darkness.

_Open your eyes, Daniel_.

The voice mixed in with the dark, complimented it in soothing tones. Daniel didn't want to open his eyes. He didn't want this peace to end.

_Daniel._

The light continued to seep through, coloring his closed lids red. Slowly, not moving his body, he opened them, squinting, blinking, then relaxing them on the site before him. He stood. He was at the park, staring down at his damp shoes where he had been kicking the topmost leaves from the mulch underneath. A moist earthy smell caught his attention and he bent down, swiping the leaves aside and fingering the decay, rubbing the bitterness between thumb and forefinger, raising it to his nose to smell. Why he was suddenly so fascinated with the process of decay he had no clue, but he discovered an uncomfortable urge to lay down and roll. Get all dirty again like he used to in Giza. Become a part of things, a part of nature, a part of, well, _something_. His studies had convinced him that there was really no religion but inner religion, and that whatever faith a person may have was his own, not to be questioned because no one really knew the answer anyway. The past seven years had done absolutely everything to torment his once held truths and shred them into something resembling chaos. Lies, all lies. He couldn't look at a Bible anymore, ignored the Koran. Buddhism caught his fancy a bit, but even that was a pale comparison to what he had actually been through and experienced, to the things he couldn't remember yet could still taste in his mouth like a sour pill. There was no certainty. None at all.

He fingered the mulch again. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, then to energy particles? What? And what of this whole ascension thing? Why not Sha're? Or his folks? Why not everyone, why was it disguised in writings on a wall on another planet, subject for those chosen few only? It wasn't right. Maybe people weren't ready, but hell, it was obvious that neither was he. He had been booted from the rainbow room. Survived hell, tossed into hell, and tossed back again. Only, with all the confusion he did feel, for some reason this place he knew as home longer intimidated him. Not like before. Maybe something good came from that ascension after all. A noise caught his attention and he turned.

It was the monk. The monk he saw on the planet Kehb. Daniel stood slowly, half turned, and half wondered if he should run.

"You are concerned." The monk looked amused.

"I'm. . .confused."

"Yet you found clarity only moments ago."

"How do you know that?"

The monk clasped his hands behind his back and regarded Daniel with an even expression. "You doubt me?"

"Do you always avoid answering questions?"

"What did you expect to find in that dark place in which you dwell?"

"I don't dwell there."

"But you do. That is your retreat."

"If you hadn't noticed, I didn't like it one bit. I-I got used to it."

"And found peace within yourself."

"I suppose."

"Yet every time you seek this place you fight it. What did you expect to find?"

"Monsters in the closet?" Daniel smiled slightly.

"I can tell you. You run from yourself. You build a place even you cannot penetrate, and yet in that moment in the darkness, you did." The monk had been walking steadily and now stood toe to toe with Daniel. His smile had an impish quality. "You realized you can be at peace with yourself. This is a new revelation for you."

Daniel blinked and cast his gaze towards the distant pond. "We aren't really here, are we?"

"What is reality but the impression in one's mind?"

"You had to ask." Daniel smiled.

The monk returned the smile and stood to face the water. "Even so, the impressions that are in your mind concern either the past, or worries about the future. Rarely do you concentrate on what is here, now. You are as blind to life as you were in that room. You are blind to yourself."

"That other monk, that kid, he said I looked outside myself for answers. He asked what I expected to see in a dark room."

"And what did you see?"

Daniel turned. "Me," he responded quietly.

The monk nodded. "And in that you have found the answer to any question you may hold." He leaned in as Daniel rubbed his forehead in frustration. "The fundamental key to the universe is that there is no yesterday, and no tomorrow. Only the now. This very moment. The past is nothing more than memory, the future is nothing more than expectation. You cannot predict the events, nor can you control them. The now, this present moment, this is when you are alive. This is what matters. This is when you change things. In that room, you suddenly let go of your fear, your habits, your thoughts. You were aware only of the moment as the breath entered your soul and nourished you. That is all you need to know."

Daniel was silent for a time. He thought about the words, stared at the water, felt the earth beneath his feet. Saw the trees bend in the breezes. Heard the rustle. "But what about my work? It takes an element of going ahead, and studying the past."

"And you do all of that in the present moment. You never plan for the future in the future, nor study the past in the past. But be fully present. Remember that you are not in any moment of time but the present time."

"This can get confusing."

The monk smiled. "If it were easy, there would be no discord."

"What is this change that I'm fighting?"

"The change is; you actually know what I am talking about. And it frightens you. Because to accept it would be to bring about a change in yourself. You are more aware. You are more knowledgeable. And given time, you will become accustomed to this new feeling of power."

"What power?" Daniel was almost afraid to ask.

"The power to change yourself and those around you. You have always possessed this gift. You are just now aware of it."

Daniel shook his head. "I'm just a man."

"An ant is just an ant. Yet it can carry the weight of a worm on it's back. The hummingbird is a bird like any other, yet it hovers and soars backwards. Every being has a gift, a talent, a uniqueness. This is the way of things. Do not feel so undeserving of yours."

Daniel stood silently, calmly. His lips curled into a slow smile. "I suppose now that I know that, I have to get on with life and face it."

"You are strong. And you are not alone."

I am with you, DanielJackson. I always have been

Daniel's eyes opened. Teal'c sat across from him, his breathing almost imperceptible. Slowly his eyes opened, fixed right on Daniel without needing to focus. "You found the answer you seek." It was a soft comment, not a question.

"I don't know," Daniel replied as softly, "but I think I'm still on that path I started. And I think everything is going to be okay."

"I am glad to hear it." Teal'c made a motion to rise, but Daniel held out his hand, his eyes once again closed.

"Wait. Can-can we just sit here, for a while?"

He didn't see Teal'c's knowledgeable smile, or the wisdom hidden in over a hundred years of experiences. Teal'c knew his pain, and now Daniel understood it as well. "Of course, DanielJackson. We may remain as long as you wish."


End file.
